Christian friends are vital for single life, our survey says
How well do you know the people in your church? What do you look for in a friend? As part of our series exploring friendship, we asked single people about their experiences and thoughts on friendship, both in and outside of church.
94 people took part in our survey, and some of the results were surprising. On International Friendship Day, we reflect on single people's experiences and consider how we can make church a place where everyone can find life-giving friendships.
Friendship matters for single people
The strongest message that came out of our survey is that friendship really matters for single Christians. Respondents overwhelmingly said that friends were essential for flourishing in life and faith.
"[Friendship] is a vital part of our faith; friends are what get you through life and often through friendships we discover more about God."
Many people also spoke about the companionship of "doing life together" with friends: sharing everyday joys and struggles, supporting one another practically and spiritually, and simply enjoying life side by side. Kathy said that friendship to her meant:
“being known, shared history, mutual concern and support, spiritual camaraderie... plenty of laughter and adventure and fun together."
We also asked what values single people look for in a friend, and the answers were noticeably consistent – honesty, kindness, trustworthiness, loyalty and compassion came up again and again. Respondents also appreciated a sense of fun and laughing together, as well as having interests in common.
95% valued having Christian friends
An overwhelming 95%of respondents said that it was important to them to have Christian friends. For many, friendships rooted in a shared faith provided a unique depth and support that cannot easily be replicated elsewhere. One respondent reflected:
“While both types of friends can be encouraging, Christian friends will encourage through sharing Bible verses or worship songs. It’s a deeper level with Christian friends.”
Churches can be great places to make friends
Encouragingly, many single Christians spoke positively about the friendships they have formed through church life. 30% said church had been a place where they had made lots of friends over the years, with a further 47% saying they had made some good friends, although it had not always been easy.
Another positive finding was that Christian friendships often crossed generations and life stages. Two-thirds of respondents said that they had Christian friends across different life stages, and this figure was higher than their secular friendships. This is testament to what we already know – that churches have a distinctive way of bringing together people of different ages, backgrounds and experiences in ways that wider society often doesn't.
Missiologist Phil Knox recently reflected on this on our podcast:
“We model something really different. The world is more fractured, I think, than it's ever been. And the darker the darkness, the brighter the light [...] In a society which is struggling with friendship, we are the antidote to a broken or fractured world when we can be friends despite our differences.”
Friendship in Church, Single Friendly Church Podcast
Friendship doesn't always come easily
Whilst churches often provide great opportunities for connection, the survey findings also suggested that building deeper and more meaningful friendships in church isn’t always straightforward.
Not everyone experienced church as a place of deep belonging, with 14% saying they had people to talk to at church but wouldn't describe them as friends. Strikingly, 12% said they felt lonely in church.
Perhaps the clearest area for reflection came when we asked whether people had friends in church who they could be completely open and honest with. Only 30% said yes. 36% said they could be open about some things, but not everything. Another 26% had close Christian friendships, but outside their own church community. 8% had no Christian friends they could open up with at all.
What's more, while many respondents described Christian friendships as especially rich, a number of people shared that they found it easier to be open with secular friends.
"I prefer my secular friends! They are much more honest and easier to get on with!"
These findings don’t suggest that churches lack friendly people. But they point to a different challenge – our friendships in church can often remain at a surface level rather than developing into deeper relationships where people really feel “known”.
As Sheridan Voysey said on our podcast, all friendship is good for us – even friendships that never become especially close. That sense of community, in itself, is a huge blessing of church life. The question is how churches can build on that and become places where more meaningful friendships have the opportunity to grow.
Friends becoming family
One of the most poignant themes that came out of the survey was how often single people described their friends as family.
Many described their friends as the people they “belong” with most, and their primary support network, particularly for those living far from relatives.
“Being single, [friends] are as important as family to me. Friendship gives me a sense of belonging that I struggled to find as a child.” – Anonymous
“Friendship is the chosen family – as a single person, that’s critical.” – Ruth
Despite the focus that society, and sometimes churches, can put on family life and familial relationships – these comments highlight that friendship is family for many single people.
How can we respond?
The responses to our friendship survey are both encouraging and challenging. Many single people have found life-giving friendships both in and out of church, and that's something to give thanks for!
At the same time, they also provide an opportunity for churches to reflect. Are our churches creating opportunities for friendships to grow and deepen? Do we recognise and celebrate the importance of friendship alongside marriage and family? And are we noticing those who may be feeling on the edge of community?
As we celebrate the gift of friendship, let's also commit to continue building churches where everyone has the opportunity not just to attend, but to be known, to belong and to find friendships that help them flourish.
With thanks to all those who took part in our Friendship survey.
For more reflections on Friendship:
Listen to our podcast series with expert guests.
“Friendship is the chosen family – as a single person, that’s critical.”