Securely Friends - with Eleanor Jeans
In episode 4 of our series on Friendship, we speak with Rev. Eleanor Jeans about building deep, lasting friendships as a single Christian.
“Sometimes it's a bit of a surprise who you end up becoming close with. And it's not the people that you might have expected.”
What does it take to build deep, lasting friendships as a single Christian? Beth chats with Rev. Eleanor Jeans about navigating friendship through life’s changing seasons, from building community and practising relaxed hospitality to handling challenges, finding your people, and discovering the constant friendship of Jesus.
Eleanor is an Associate Vicar in Leamington Spa, and author of the Securely Single course.
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Do friendships change as life changes?
Eleanor Jeans, Single Friendly Church Podcast, Friendship Series episode 4
I've had to learn – and sometimes this can be hard – that how I relate to my friends with young children has to change. And even down to it's often more easy for me to go and see them than for them to come and stay with me, even though I'd really love them to come and stay. It's reminding people, actually, that I honestly do not mind if I come to your house and your kids stuff is everywhere, and I honestly don't mind if you come to my house and the children run riot! As long as they don't draw on the sofas or hurt my cat, it's fine (not that anyone's ever done any of those things!)
I think it does change how we how we relate. But if it's a good relationship, it will stand it. It will stand the test of time. It's not going to fall apart.
The challenge of wanting what your friends have
I think that the difficulty comes if you're in a situation when actually you really want what they've got. I think I found that much harder when I was younger, when my friends got married, I really wanted to get married. You know, it gets to a point when you've been to, like, 13 weddings in a year – I'm like “can I just have a break?” Or if you're someone who is desperate to have children, it can be painful going and spending time with those friends who’ve got children. You can still be really happy for them, but it's acknowledging that.
And sometimes it might be that that sort of conversation needs to happen. When you say “You just need to be aware that I find it hard. I am really so pleased for you. But if I don't respond to you for a while, it's just because I'm trying to decide how to respond” or whatever.
So those transitions are challenging. But I think once the children - if people have got children - get older, then you've got extra people to talk to and play with, and it's great fun! So my friends who’ve now got grown up children, I can have great conversations with them. I love the fact that with some families I’m like an extra auntie or parent – or godparent often in some situations! I love the fact that I'm just part of their family. That's how I've done it anyway – that I'm part of the family when I spend time with them.
What advice would you give to someone whose friendships are going through that transition and they’re finding it hard?
I guess I would say own the grief. Acknowledge the grief in that. Acknowledge that it can be really hard. Don't just push it away and push it down and think, “Oh, it's all me.” Acknowledge that that's a really difficult thing.
And if you have this sort of relationship with your friend where you can say, “This isn't about you, I'm just struggling because of this”, then say it. Don't just brush it under the carpet.
But also acknowledge there are times when friendships do end and you might just need to to find some other friendships. Which is hard, none of this is easy. But I think there are times when a friendship just naturally comes to an end. And the main thing is to try and make sure it ends well. And maybe possibly, that it stays open as a potential friendship in the future.
But I think don't ignore it and just think everything's okay, or grin and bear it. Make sure that you're listening to how you're feeling. If it's appropriate, talk to others. And get some prayer, if that's appropriate, go your minister, or find somewhere else where you can get prayer ministry, or your small group. I think acknowledge what it's doing and how you're feeling. Don't ignore it.
“There are times when a friendship just naturally comes to an end. And the main thing is to try and make sure it ends well.”
About Eleanor Jeans
Rev’d Eleanor Jeans is the author of the Securely Single course, which helps single Christians discuss and address the positives and challenges of the single life, and encourages being content in every and any circumstance (Philippians 4:11-13). She wrote the course following conversations with single people in churches and recognising the need for a course to explore these topics. It is suitable for personal study or for small groups.
Eleanor is also an Associate Vicar at an Anglican church in Leamington Spa. She originally trained as a violinist and continues to lead musical worship and the creative team at her church.
More about the Securely Single course here